Overwhelmed.

Does your head ever feel heavy and do you feel the inexplicable need to cry? Just cry for no reason at all? Bawl, regardless of whether the tears flow or not, because there's something that's bothering you and you don't know what that something is?

Do you find it hard to forgive yourself? For the slightest error of judgement or the biggest goof-up of all mankind? Do you mentally beat yourself up black and blue for not having been smarter about things, not having thought with a calm mind?

Do you feel like you're having an out-of-body experience? Like, when you do something foolish or insensitive or crass or obnoxious that you never think you're capable of doing? Do you feel like you own the world, that you're good enough when really, deep down, somehow you get the feeling that the only reason you get away with a lot of things is because people are just being kind to you? And then do you think that, hey, perhaps you're not good enough? And that you're not the best there is? For anything, in anything?

And does that make you wonder, what am I doing? What am I turning into? Who is this person in the mirror?

So many questions without answers.

A Walk In The Woods and other such happenings.

"Ey, tomorrow you're coming with me for a play", Munchkin said. "Okay", I replied. As if I was given much choice. I could have refused still, but not having been to a play in over three years, I thought, what the heck, I don't have a blooming social life so I might as well go and see.

I'm so glad I went.

The play was an adapt of American playwright Lee Blessing's play by the same name. Naseeruddin Shah and Rajit Kapoor were the cast, and the play was directed by Ratna Pathak Shah. (For some reason, the floosy woman introducing them insisted on calling her Director Sahiba.)

It was an entertaining hour of extremely well-scripted dialogues enhanced by breath-taking performances. Studying Naseeruddin Shah's body language as he transitioned from a charming Quixotic character into an old man with no more fight left in him was stunning. "History is geography over time", he says. Rajit Kapoor as the uptight Indian diplomat was fantastic. "You didn't say I had to be trivial and entertaining", was one of his memorable dialogues.

If you ever get an opportunity to watch the two of them, grab it without second thought.

In other news, life is getting along. I keep thinking about posting, but somehow, the inclination to write copious amounts is headed towards the exit.

But, will muster up enough energy and recollect my thoughts to post something soon.

Some days are easy.

Some, like today, are difficult to get through.

The past comes back to haunt me occasionally and i end up thinking of you. Of her. I wonder what part of our conversations has been lies and what, the truth. I think about why i feel like you did things to show that i was going cuckoo in my head. That i was fabricating events and dialogues and situations. I think about why you lied. So much. 

I hate her still. That hasn't changed, and it's not likely to. Maybe some day, i will be indifferent to her presence, but for now, there's a whole lot of negative emotion that wells up in me at the sight of her. Somehow, you believe that anybody who's genuine is not a bad person. I disagree. She may not be bad, but she's other things. Things i don't even want to talk about.

You think you've set yourself free, set me free. But i'm caged inside my head. I run and i run and run, but there's no getting out of the prison that my mind has become, churning with thoughts that are best left alone. I don't recognise who i am any more, all i see is a shell with organs doing their thing like a well-oiled machine. 

Why? That's the only thing i keep going over and over in my head. It's happening again today. And it's difficult to get through.

Briefly out of hibernation for this little update.

Ello! I been gone too long eh? But I been busy busy busy.
 
I be quitting my jawb.
 
I be travelling the globe. Well, Bhutan and Goa actually.
 
I been getting me act together since the (once more) breakup.
 
I be having a new entrant for 'Bitch' category in my life. And begawsh, I hate her. She's making Achilles Heel do things he's never done in the time he's known me: he's lied to protect her. He's lied to me about several things. And I think he had this thing with her, but they decided to keep it quiet and play dumb about it and to never talk about it again. I started off with liking her because she was fun and loved to dance and all that, but man she turned into a different person in my eyes after a specific episode of 'come on' that she indulged in with AH. Now I believe that there may be a certain level of niceness in her, but she's primarily a very shrewd and cunning byatch who plays the part of an upfront and open person to near-perfection.
 
Yes, me be very bitter about her.
 
I be starting work at my new workplace in the first week of June, and I be quite looking forward to it too.
 
Anybody got any ideas on how to forget the existence of a person who means the world to you? Or at least not care too much about them?
 
I met Haathi in Goa this time, after a handful of failed attempts. I don't know about her, but I had a chilled out and peaceful day exploring Goa with her.
 
I bought me a laptop (from which I am posting this).
 
I bought me a smashing bookshelf. Of course, all my books don't fit (I have a whole suitcase stuffed with more), but I will be buying more shelves for those.
 
I'm doing a room overhaul. Sort of to start afresh on everything. I hope it works.
 
Is all y'all, is all. Hopefully, the hibernation should be over pretty soon, because I have a feeling I'll have plenty to rant/rave about in a few weeks.

Three years ago.

I was browsing through the new Facebook settings, and stumbled across my notes. One of them was titled 'Randomness', from an FB era that was famous for tagging people on notes and getting them to tag others. It was about 25 random things about me. I read it. And i was surprised at how i sounded three years ago, because nothing much has changed since. I'm still a lot of those things, with the exception of one or two, the updates for which i will mark in red.

***

1. It depresses me when i'm unable to crack bad ones. 

2. I've always wanted shoulder blade-length hair because i think it's very sexy. 

3. I think a lot about everything, whether it makes sense or not. 

4. I've always wanted to get into my ex-boyfriend's heads and see the relationships through their perspective. 

5. A penthouse with french windows and a sloping glass ceiling in the bedroom, a sitout with wild flowering plants and a lemon tree, and a wrought-iron bench to watch the world from. That's what i live for. 

6. When i was young, I wanted to die of a brain tumor. 

7. I never turn back after saying goodbye to something or somebody. These days, i do. And i hate myself for it.

8. I hate confrontations/fights. I still do, but i like getting them over with quickly and moving on.

9. When i'm uncontrollably angry, i start shivering and sputter while trying to speak. When i'm depressed, i turn to nature and books for companionship. And Coke Studio Pakistan.

10. I associate smells with people. 

11. I schooled myself through my years of growing up that i would be emotionally self-sustaining. 

12. I love Mathematics, but i suck at it. 

13. I can cook, keep house and sew as well as i can dance, drink, swear like a sailor and not give a damn about having breasts. 

14. I'm thrilled to bits with small gestures of affection from people. 

15. The more i dislike something, the more likely it is that later in life i will love it. 

16. Bad marriages scare me. 

17. Getting me to drive is not the problem, getting me into the driver's seat is. 

18. I want to see Switzerland and Egypt before i die. 

19. I love chewing on crushed ice. 

20. My life lacks discipline, and that bothers me. 

21. When i'm with people, i become what they are not. 

22. I wish i could give my parents back their youth only so i can get them to do all the stuff they missed out on when they were young. 

23. Waterbodies are super-fascinating. 

24. Everytime i'm on a high balcony, i'm tempted to jump off because i want to know what the feeling is like. 

25. I want to float on a cloud. 

Yes, yes, we be like that only.

Break my heart, why don't you?

This is how the story goes:

Marina Abramovic and Ulay started an intense love story in the 70s, performing art out of the van they lived in. When they felt the relationship had run its course, they decided to walk the Great Wall of China, each from one end, meeting for one last big hug in the middle and never seeing each other again.
 

At her 2010 MoMa retrospective Marina performed ‘The Artist Is Present’ as part of the show, where she shared a minute of silence with each stranger who sat in front of her. Ulay arrived without her knowing and this is what happened.
 

You and I, Achilles' Heel, have conversations that end up in fights or misunderstandings. You and I, i worry, will end up being like this. And i don't that to happen. I don't.

WHAT?

I've been intending to say a few things for a while. In two minds about whether i should or not, because the minute it's out there, it makes it very real. But i want to. Because i am frusfuckingtrated.

Why?

Because i turned 30 in January, and i'm in no better state mentally than i was when i was 23.

Two days after my birthday, my grandmother passed away.

I miss her a lot. There's a big gaping hole in my life where she used to be.

A week before that, i got to know that i was being 'redeployed' from my current job. We all know what that means.

Two weeks after my birthday, Achilles' Heel tells me that he feels our 'connection' isn't strong enough anymore, and that he's felt that way for a couple of years. He thinks i'm suffocating, judgmental, opinionated and perhaps not the best candidate for a life together.

The pressure of marriage is now flowing from all corners.

... I'm screwed from all sides.

So if i'm snapping, biting heads off, frustrated, constantly emotionally volatile, breaking into tears at the drop of a hat, clamming up, depressed, uninterested... please, go find someone else to play with while i get alright.

I'm in no mood for grief from anyone right now. Grief, questions, attitude problems or sympathy.

And yes, i just want to cry. And cry and cry and cry and cry and keep crying till i can't cry any more ever. So what? What the bloody hell is wrong with that?

Hey, JB, this one's for you!

What did the Vegetarians tell the Non-Vegetarians when they saw them eating yum-looking dishes?
"We NV you."

Sucks, no? :D

We are like that only.

I got this in my inbox a week ago. It's an excerpt from someone's new work titled "I AM AN EMOTIONAL CREATURE: The Secret Life of Girls around the World", which debuted in book form (Villard/Random House).

I AM AN EMOTIONAL CREATURE

I love being a girl.
I can feel what you're feeling
as you're feeling it inside
the feeling
before.
I am an emotional creature.
Things do not come to me
as intellectual theories or hard-shaped ideas.
They pulse through my organs and legs
and burn up my ears.
I know when your girlfriend's really pissed off
even though she appears to give you what
you want.
I know when a storm is coming.
I can feel the invisible stirrings in the air.
I can tell you he won't call back.
It's a vibe I share.

I am an emotional creature.
I love that I do not take things lightly.
Everything is intense to me.
The way I walk in the street.
The way my mother wakes me up.
The way I hear bad news.
The way it's unbearable when I lose.

I am an emotional creature.
I am connected to everything and everyone.
I was born like that.
Don't you dare say all negative that it's a
teenage thing
or it's only only because I'm a girl.
These feelings make me better.
They make me ready.
They make me present.
They make me strong.

I am an emotional creature.
There is a particular way of knowing.
It's like the older women somehow forgot.
I rejoice that it's still in my body.

I know when the coconut's about to fall.
I know that we've pushed the earth too far.
I know my father isn't coming back.
That no one's prepared for the fire.
I know that lipstick means
more than show.
I know that boys feel super-insecure
and so-called terrorists are made, not born.
I know that one kiss can take
away all my decision-making ability
and sometimes, you know, it should.

This is not extreme.
It's a girl thing.
What we would all be
if the big door inside us flew open.
Don't tell me not to cry.
To calm it down
Not to be so extreme
To be reasonable.
I am an emotional creature.
It's how the earth got made.
How the wind continues to pollinate.
You don't tell the Atlantic ocean
to behave.

I am an emotional creature.
Why would you want to shut me down
or turn me off?
I am your remaining memory.
I am connecting you to your source.
Nothing's been diluted.
Nothing's leaked out.
I can take you back.

I love that I can feel the inside
of the feelings in you,
even if it stops my life
even if it hurts too much
or takes me off track
even if it breaks my heart.
It makes me responsible.
I am an emotional
I am an emotional, devotional,
incandotional, creature.
And I love, hear me,
love love love
being a girl.

Why do things seem worse in the dead of night?

Why do wounds hurt more, tears gush freely and the heart feel heavier? The defenses are up through the day, but as night falls, they start stripping themselves of their strength to fight and lay themselves open to the onslaught of all the negative thoughts one tries so hard to keep out.

I predicted this year to be a year of big changes. One big change is in the pipeline already, and from where i am, it isn't a very pleasant one. As for the other, well, mere days after a great start to the year, things started going downhill. I am the cause for my own stupidity, i am my own enemy. Assumptions and impatience seem to have ruined things to such a great extent that the hope of going back to how things were appears to be bleak. Neither of these things is good news.

And so my heart is heavier than each step i take. My brain is begging to go into hybernation, soothe itself with a little denial and some delusion. I don't like where i am right now. I will fight it, but i don't like it. And just for that, i'll fight harder.

Happy happy happy!

I travelled. A lot. I was travelling till yesterday.

I loved. A lot. And i lived through it. Correction; survived through it all.

Health was a bitch, but i got the better of that too.

Weight was a monster, but i'm working on taming it.

I ticked a few places off my travel wish-list, and i'm sooooo happy about that.

I managed to retain a part of who i was six years ago.

I managed to do trips with both my parents individually.

Many of my friends had babies, and some of them are expecting, and i'm glad about it.

Work was awesome.

This year, i'm hoping that all of this will come my way in double measures (except for the health and weight bits, which i hope will be cut down by half). A blogger friend whom i have grown pretty fond of said that she foresees a year of happiness and contentment for me. I'll drink to that, my dear. I'll drink to that any day.

So here's wishing all of you a superbly fantastic year of fresh starts and big joys from all of me. Have a blast!

From the other side.

So right now, i'm at a tiny little coffee shop that serves delicious food. I'm here for a late lunch. Alone. But i'm not really alone because i have a very interesting conversation happening at the next table keeping me company.

An affair. Man is married. Woman has a daughter. Woman's upset about man's wife and him not spending time with her. Man's upset about some letter the woman's daughter wrote to him. Man's saying: "Even your daughter thinks that, so maybe i'm not worthy of you." Woman's saying: "I can't believe you're saying you want to break up with me. What will i do? Where will i go?" And man's saying that he wanted to break up in a fit of anger, because he was upset with woman and something she'd done (i can't figure out what) and so he thought he should break up. Of course, it's turning out that the man's wife is getting to know about this.

And so the conversation is going on.

Some of this is familiar territory. I've been there before. I've been the woman. I can tell what she's thinking, i can speak her words before she does. But thank goodness that's a part of a past that's so long gone that it's starting to get blurry. Still, this is so bizarre.

Maybe there's a reason i'm hearing this. Maybe i should walk over to their table and tell the woman, "Get out. He's never going to leave her." Maybe i should tell the man to grow some balls, man up and do the right thing. Or just leave her if he's going to treat her like a piece of shite.

Maybe some day they'll both be sitting together, or alone, and listening in on a similar conversation between somebody else.

Sigh. Life, i tell you. I'm off now to go and look this guy up on facebook because i'm curious. (Yes, i heard his name. And no, i'm not ashamed of eavesdropping.)

Oh well.

December's come and almost gone, the entire year's wasted away and i'm still left with a flourishing paunch and a whole lot of fat.

I paid through my nose for a gym membership. I tried kickboxing. I checked my thyoid levels over and over. Still no luck.

I don't enjoy gymming. I hate it. I find it pointless, and unnecessarily excruciating. Yes, one sees results, but gosh, do i have to go through all that torture to see them? Moan and groan and exhaust myself?

It's not like it's a new realisation. I've known that i don't enjoy gymming forever now. I enjoyed kickboxing, but it didn't become addictive enough. I like swimming. I like dancing. I enjoy the stillness of the mind that Yoga offers. But i just haven't been able to find any of those in places that are accessible.

So here i am, looking at all the pretty faces around me, knowing that i can be one too - if only i could get rid of all that rubbish and yeah, change my eating habits - but lazy and unable to do anything about it.

I lack discipline. And motivation. Ugh.

It's messing with my head. Not liking. Not liking at all.

Sugar Ray kind of day.

Two more places ticked off my travel wish list.

Rishikesh and Jaipur. After years of longing to travel to them, i managed to do it this year. Last week, in fact.

My colleagues (now friends) and I went on a rafting trip to Rishikesh, organized by Women on Wanderlust. And then we went to Jaipur. I love the stillness of nature camping at Rishikesh and the bustling life and colours of Jaipur. And now that i've broken the taboo on both places, i'll be visiting them again. Soon.

Yay me!

Fire.

There are two kinds of restlessness. Both make you uncomfortable. Both make you do things you wouldn't have thought you were capable of. Both have the ability to consume your senses and douse them in the kind of atomic movement that resembles the Doordarshan screen of the yesteryears during interruptions in telecasts.

But they're radically different, these two kinds of restlessness. One will make you feel like you're wasting away your time and depress you. And the other will make you feel like you're wasting time and will fire you up. It will not let you sit still in your chair, nerve endings wrung out as the fire pokes at your vey being, quietly droning Get up get up get up get up getupgetupgetupgetupgetup Do something do something do something dosomethinggetupgetupgetup and you feel the desperation of that fire. You feel that desire sweep through you and make you want to do something radical. Something you haven't done before or in very long. Something good. Like weave a story that's been forming in your head in bits and pieces for years. Or a poem that you've been indulging in foreplay with, but never quite managed to make torrid love to. Or draw. Just doodle. Or take up that abandoned plastic packet that makes crinkling sounds at the slightest touch but quiets down as you dip into it and fish out beads and wires and other such to string into beautiful forms and shapes.

Don't sit still and wait for it to pass - this fire doesn't light up too easily, or too often. So you can't afford to let it die in vain, because every time it comes alive, you come alive. In those moments, you are every maginificent thing you dreamt you would be. You are awesome. And you can make things happen.

My advice to you? Go feed it. It's exactly what i'm doing.

Why am i not blogging?

I have no idea.

Well, i kinda do.

Actually, no, i don't.

Maybe it's because there's nothing happening. Nothing major at least. Not yet, at least.

There are some cases of mistaken identities. Some of temporary insanity among people who were once familiar but are now growing into strangers because they're having trouble thinking straight. There's some growing familiarity with others.

There's work. And there's travel. I'm off this weekend for ten days to a place that i've been wanting to go to a long time.

And i still want to go to Goa. I miss Goa. I miss the beach.

I love my life. I wouldn't want to change places with anyone else.

And yet, i'm not blogging. I have no stories. Even if i do have them, i don't feel the inclination to share them. It's a weird state of...limbo.

I need things to move, so i can blog. Bah.

"So, what sort of music do you like?"

I've been asked this question too many times. And every time, my answer's the same. I like everything. Well, almost everything.
 
My BFsF have a theory: they think i prefer slow tracks. But today, when i was listening to a certain track, i realised what i love hearing: powerful beats. They could be slow, fast, but they just need to be powerful tunes. I can't describe it any other way, except i know that every time i hear one of the kind, my heart begins to pound, i feel a sense of restlessness and a desire to achieve something. To me, Satrangi from Dil Se is a powerful tune. Emily and the Woods' 'I can't steal his heart' is a powerful tune. And the one that made me realise my kind of music, Coke Studio's Madari is another.
 
So yeah, that's the kind of music i like. And if you haven't heard Madari yet, hear it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcI3VYhHtqs

Catching up on movies, courtesy British Airways.

BA pampers you with good food and good alcohol and soft blankets and cushions for your back, but best of all, it has awesome movies loaded on its in-flight entertainment units. I caught up with movies that i wanted to watch, and some that i stumbled upon. That's a total of six movies in 20 hours. Here are my two-bits about them.

The Avengers: Bleagh. Hulk is fun, Iron Man is Iron Man, and the rest are just yeah whatever. To be honest, i was quite disappointed. Also, the big question: Why are plots about aliens making a comeback? Is it because it's 2012 and the world's supposed to be ending?

Snow White and The Huntsman: Such trash. I fell asleep halfway through the movie and didn't bother watching the rest. The biggest mistake was casting that Kirsten Kristen whatever chick as Snow White. She's worse than Aishwarya Rai when it comes to emoting, really.

Dark Shadows: What happened to Johnny Depp and Tim Burton??? What happened to them??? I was looking forward to watching this one in the theatre and now i'm so glad that i didn't. Such a confused movie, doesn't know if it wants to be comic, tragic, tragicomic or just plain terrifying. Why Depp, why? *sniffle*

Madagascar 3: This is one movie whose sequels are as good as the first one. I watched it, enjoyed it, gaped and was carried away with it like a ten year-old in Disneyland. Gloria and Melman were awesome. Oh, and i heart Afro Circus!

Hysteria: I'm not a big fan of period movies, but this one was hilarious. A romantic comedy actually, but full of fire and pleasure and funny moments. The story's about a young doctor who wants to do remarkable things with medicine, but ends up curing women diagnosed with 'Hysteria' through therapy involving his...hands. Apparently, the movie is based on real events. And if that's so, then one of the porn industry's most-oved products really does have a fascinating history. Watch it and be entertained.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World: If you had two weeks left before Armageddon, what would you do with them? Steve Carell doesn't really care because his wife has left him. Keira Knightly wants to meet her family. Events bring them together and they embark on a journey that results in a simple, beautiful movie. The soundtrack, a mix of popular songs from the 60s to the 80s, is melodious and works really well for the plot. And yeah, should i have been home, i would have bawled my eyes out. But i didn't want to scare the old couple sitting next to me, so i silently wept into my paper napkin leftover from a not-so-satisfying lunch. Get your hands on it and see. It is fully awwwwwww.