I know my bridal nerves (if i ever become a bride) will be nothing compared to my pre-travel jitters.

The emotions always follow a pattern. A week before i'm set to travel, i feel a sense of doom and gloom and a strong reluctance to go where i'm supposed to. Two days before i travel, my mood switches to anticipation with a sprinkling of optimism - that everything its going to go smoothly - thrown in. A day before/the day i'm travelling, i'm in a mad rush to pack, finish last minute stuff (read shopping and parlour visits, mostly) and getting so anxious that i'm unable to sleep/calm myself down. (This is the critical moment when i really, really feel the need for a boyfriend in my life; so he can shush me and take me to task and hug me and make the jitters go away!) Once i'm at the airport, i'm calm. My equilibrium is restored.

But i doubt it's going to happen on this trip of mine, because:
a) I'm travelling with my parents. A family holiday, one that got called off a handful of months ago, but that's happening now. The destination - Aurangabad - is one i'm looking forward to because it's someplace i would never have gone to on my own; the resort looks promising; the experience overall seems like it's going to be awesome, but...
b) My tickets from Mumbai tomorrow night to Aurangabad are not confirmed. IRCTC has had a lapse in Web memory and shows my printed tickets (which i took today) as waitlisted while the Web site shows them as RAC. So...
c) I've spent the better half of this evening panicking like crazy, trying to figure out alternatives, rebooking some of my tickets and still grappling with what i should do if we don't get to board the train tomorrow night. But before that, i have to deal with the fact that...
d) My parents are flying for the first time. Well, Mom's travelling a second time, her first time being when she was too young to understand turbulence and fear being suspended thousands of kilometres above air in a contraption carrying more people in a similar situation. (Can you tell that i'm rambling?) I can see a lot of hand-holding to be done and guidance to be given starting at 3 a.m in the morning. (I booked the first flight out because i wanted them to catch the sunrise from the airplane. Now i'm thinking that maybe it wasn't such a smart idea.)

And that reminds me that i need to get some sleep. I doubt if i will be able to get any, considering that while i'm not stressing about tomorrow night's travel too much, i'm still feeling the butterflies in the eestomach. Breathebreathebreathe...breathe...breathe...

And so my holiday begins.

Have a great Christmas y'all, and if i miss catching you on New Year's Eve, then have a great Last Year on Planet Earth!

(Enhehehe!)

So, i know we never grow up in the eyes of our parents and all that, but...

... this is a bit much, i think.

Apparently, my parents bought it for me. I'm wondering if they're sort of making up for the fact that i never had a Barbie during my childhood (not that i longed to own her or plait her hair or have her getting married to Ken) or just all of two soft toys. But really, my fear is that my Mom and Dad must be thinking that i'm regressing rather than getting older with every passing year.

Parents, i tell you.

Oil + Water = Art

For the last two rainy seasons, i've been attempting to get a good shot of a water droplet. A couple of months back, though, my roving eye caught something even more beautiful happening on the side. So i refocused my camera, changed my position and dove in to capture what was going on. I have no idea where the grease came from, but it formed a stunning marbling pattern on the surface.

The shot couldn't get clearer than this because there were shadows falling on it from all sides. Issopurty!

And then i just stood there and stared at it, going all google-eyed, completely oblivious to the fact that my camera lens was getting wet with all the splashes from the raindrops.

Yes, my camera's just fine.

I is now on Twitteru.

I've never understood the appeal of tweeting, and i don't think i will fully understand it either. I have decided to take the plunge anyway and get on it. Maybe i can learn as i go.

My area of specialty will be punning, of course. I will unleash my punning abilities on the unsuspecting crowds and kill them all with my sad, sad jokes. And then i'll rule the world!

Well, sort of.

I will be selfless here and tell you guys that if you value being normal and sane and all things good and proper, don't try looking for me and following me. It's for your own good. Really. I will, however, promise to post the better puns on this blog from time to time.

Let's just rechristen December 20 as Screw My Happiness Day.

How is it possible that being friends with one person can become such a problem for all other friends? It's amazing how many friends and relationships of mine have been affected because of my being close friends with one particular person. My bestest friend from college days slammed the phone in my face because of it. Another very close friend drifted apart. I didn't get invited for another friend's wedding because of it. I mean, really? Is there something i'm not seeing? It's not like i'm not paying them any attention or ignoring them or not socialising with them or am not even there when they want me to be! I am there! And still there's an issue with my being close to somebody else?

I don't get it. I really don't. It must most definitely be me. There has to be something wrong with me, or something wrong with the things i'm doing.

Damn this cold.

It's been over two years since i've experienced December in Bangalore - i was busy experiencing the chills of Delhi and Gujarat. Now that i'm here this month with no escape out of the city till the 25th, i feel like the city's putting on quite a show for the winter.

The couple of times i've been mad enough to stay out till the wee hours of the morning have been punishing, to say the least. My breath fogs up, my body can't muster enough heat to keep me warm, my teeth are chattering, and my head's a big mass of frozen skull and flesh. Every early morning flight taking off from Bangalore is delayed because of heavy fog. I'll know exactly how bad it is when i leave on Christmas morning to catch my early morning flight.

There isn't a bird chirping or a soul stirring. Sorry, make that a mouse! The temperature's pretty close to single digits, so the only thing missing now is snow. (Did anybody manage to catch the Google easter egg on snow? Turns out i was nine hours too late for it!)

I'm just going to go and focus on keeping myself warm now. My fingers are as good as falling off. I hope your winter's slightly less chillier, for your own sake.

Freaky Friday.

This Friday involved:
1. Taking great pains to button up a pair of jeans that were bought a couple of years ago when i was seeing The Boy and that had never been so tight. Never, ever.
2. Being fashionably late to an office party.
3. Pretending to be overjoyed at seeing a few Ugh people still present at the party.
4. Wearing new clothes to the office party with a jacket i hadn't touched in years.
5. Going for an after-party to A's, where everybody began:
a. Getting shitfaced.
b. Philosophising on life and other such stuff.
c. Climbing walls. Literally.
6. Partying till 5 a.m. Not really dancing, no. But just climbing walls, falling down, bonding and putting.
7. An early breakfast (5:30 a.m, to be precise) of Chicken Tikka on a Bun and Fish and chips at Windsor Manor.
8. Returning home at 6:30 a.m on Saturday morning, as my mother was getting ready to go to her school.

This Saturday involved:
1. Sleeping till 1 p.m and being unceremoniously woken up by Sister K because she:
a. Couldn't sleep any more.
b. Was hungry.
2. Lunch at Windsor. After finishing a plate of Brain and Onion Fry by myself - accompanied by four dosas and chicken curry - i began to understand why my body mass was multiplying at such great speeds.
3. Shopping at Commercial Street. I finally own a pair of skinny jeans and two Corduroy jeggings. Oh, and a couple more tops. I'm done shopping for a while!
4. Tagging along to an HSBC event at Karnataka Golf Association.
5. Kicking myself endlessly for not carrying my camera with me.
6. Going over to G's for dinner and getting back home by 1:30 a.m.
7. Sleeping till 2:00 p.m in the afternoon.

Hellooooo Sunday!

A lovely ride in lovely weather.

Winter decided to poke its head out from under its warm furry blanket and show its face to us Bangaloreans today. And oh my, was i happy. There's just the right amount of nip in the air and the wind is crisp and pleasantly cool, with a marginal amount of warmth filtering through the thick, cotton candy clouds.

I had a lovely, lovely ride. For a moment i was reminded of the quiet, chilly mornings of hill stations where there isn't a peep from the traffic and people are walking along the footpaths or silently going about their tasks.

I feel alive. *Sigh*

Pervasive.

What is it about you and me and the collective 'us'? Where are we now and where are we going to go? What are we going to do, what are we going to do?

Mine's not just a life. It's a book with chapters dated and archived and always readily available to refer from. I've looked at relationships as incidents to learn from, a stepping stone to the next one in my life and always, always as something Fate intended to happen because there was a purpose behind them. There was something i needed to understand about myself or about love from them. It's a formula that's never failed. But you and me, i'm thrown off-track by that.

What am i supposed to learn out of this? Why did it happen? Why is it happening? What is it that i'm missing or not seeing? What is Fate trying to do?

We're just status quo, stuck in no man's land. We don't know what lies ahead. So then what's the purpose behind it? Yes, there's affection - enough of it to call it love. Yes, there's explosive chemistry. But what beyond that?

We went our separate ways, and when we met again, it was as if we were never away at all. So is it a sign that this is meant to be? If that's true, why is it taking so long?

Or am i just supposed to suffer? Wait and wish and dream and hope?

Augh.

I'm not your bitch, boy.

Nor am i your keep, your wife or your trash bag. I am your friend. You don't give me shit. Not when you have a bad day and you need to take it out on somebody and find me available. Not when you're having any kind of day. Of course our battle ground is strewn with verbs and adjectives and smart phrases, but that doesn't mean you can actually be rude and nasty without having a reason to be. And you try to take the sting off the words by inserting a smiley at the end? What are you, somebody made out of the finest clay and mineral water by the hands of God, so you think you're above everybody else? Fuck you, man. Seriously, fuck you.

The day you can respect the fact that i am your friend and not a slave of your moods, that day, we can talk. Till then, feel free to shove it up yours. Or just save your shit for someone else.

Philosophy.

There's a potted Queen of Thorns on our terrace - the sole midget amidst swaying Neem, Coconut and Wildflower trees that surround it. Recently, on one of my trips upstairs to shoot pictures of the wild flowers, i noticed that the Queen of Thorns was also sprouting buds. I eagerly took a couple of shots of them and then came back.

A couple of days ago, i noticed that the plant had been brought downstairs and was resting in my parents' balcony. It was covered in flowers. I wondered why Dad had brought it down (Mom hardly goes up to the terrace). So today, when i noticed the plant again, i asked Dad why he had brought it down - it seemed to be healthy, had enough of sunshine and was even sporting some lovely blooms.

"Yes...well, it was just sitting upstairs with nobody to see it flowering. That's why i brought it downstairs."

Sometimes i just want to hug my dad with all the affection i have in me.

Is it wrong to pray for one's own happiness?

A li'l high, a li'l low.

This weekend, I:

- Was very short tempered. I fought with and beat up people.
- Spent some quiet time with the best person in the world to do it with: me.
- Rode the bike with one hand at no more than 20 kmph, looking around at houses and roads and people and places to calm myself down.
- Went shopping after a really long time.
- Realised why i don't go shopping so often: it's because the factory-line sizes suck and the clothes drive home the point that i'm fat. Half the tops that i fell absolutely in love with didn't fit me. The People store has sizes like Slim Large fit. I mean, really???? The slim large squished my bustline together in a very Victorian corset-like manner, and very unattractively so. Slim and large don't go together Mister Manufacturer!
- Picked up stuff in pretty purples, greens, oranges, and (surprise surprise) white, well within the budget i had allotted for it. I now also own something in checks. Yay! (I'm a sucker for checkered clothes, especially on men.)
- Chilled out at the new Take 5 lounge with A, catching up on life, reliving moments from the past and bringing her up-to-date on the life and times of The Nebulous One.
- Got stopped by the cops and asked "Madam, have you taken any alcohol Madam?"
- Am in possession of two new bags. Double yay!
- Had brat cousins stay over at my place and spend some time together.
- Realised i cannot control the thing that is driving me to be afraid and angry.

Today, you can just call me nasty.

Some people wake up all bubbly and chirpy, some depressed and moody, some wired. Me? I woke up feeling evil (on a Friday, too). I wanted to kick somebody's ass today, make somebody feel the whiplash of my biting words, trip on somebody.

I have had two victims succumb to me since morning. P, whom i spoke to early in the morning. And A, who has himself a scrawny b**** with benefits and on whom i was tripping with jokes like "i bet she clanks when you do her, considering she's all skeleton" and "she's not authentic tangdi kabab dude, she's the diet version of it". Yeah, i'm feeling that kind of nasty today.

And you know the good thing about being that kind of nasty?

I don't give a rat's a** about what people think of it. Today, i am indestructible.