Time travelling.

I get onto Groove shark and a song comes on. The song that started it all.

It takes me a long way back. Takes me back to me sitting on a bed, you trying to put me in a better mood after an episode with a friend - how you had come searching for me then, wanting to make that episode go away! This song playing on TV - the first time I heard it, saw it. 

And as I listen to the song now, my insides are pulled by a force far, far away - as if from a parallel universe - and I have this intense desire to go back to that time. Go back to before it all started. Because that time was good. It was uncomplicated. It had only anticipation, no expectation. No discomfort, pain, grief, sadness. No bitterness. 

And then I think, will you be able to unlearn everything about me and go back to seeing me like you're meeting me for the first time? As someone you may be interested in - you don't know, but you'd like to find out?

Will you be able to do that?

Have I told you about Hannah Brencher?

I can't remember where or when I came across her. All I know is that her writing is heartbreakingly beautiful and true. And every time I read her, I feel my chest pounding. I feel life coursing through my veins, sadness - oh, so much sadness - engulfing me and a desire - a deep desire - to be brave and deal with things.
 
Today, I came across a post of hers. I'm struggling with a relationship that has come to an end. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to let it go. I'm actually having serious trouble letting go - I cling to it like it's my lifeline. My very being. My everything. Today, in the middle of that struggle and what is possibly the start of the healing - the one-digit-at-a-time loosening of my grip on a long relationship that probably wasn't meant to be - I came across this post of hers. And I'm left breathless with grief and heartbroken, because I have to do what she says. I know I have to do it. And I need to pull myself together and find the courage - that oh-so-evasive courage - to be me.
 
To be free. Like he wants to be. Like he's trying to be.
 
Read it. Maybe she'll do something for you too.
 
http://hannahbrencher.com/2013/12/03/dont-bring-anything-more-into-the-web/