If you fall weak, you fall on your face, eat dirt and realise what you thought was not true. You make the decisions thinking you're the stronger-willed one, only to find out that when it comes to sticking to it, you're weak. Bloody weak. And you get kicked in the face because hey, the decision's made and people will stick to it, even if you don't want them to. The decision's made. By their dignity, their self-respect. After all, if you could make that decision, you did it because you wanted to uproot them from your life. And when you uproot someone, how comfortable would they be about being re-planted? Not comfortable at all. Not unless they were a c**** like me.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Bahuth ho gaya, maaki.
Enough. Ugh. I look at all the sop i've typed in the last two days in moments of weakness, and i cringe. Not so much because it lays my life's situation bare, but because it feels... icky. Yeah. I've been ranting and raving and weeping and wallowing like Tulsi's family after her second (or is it third) reincarnation. Enough, bhen ke ******. If i continue this way, i'll be Flubber without the happiness factor. Actually, i'll be like the Amoeba Boys from PowerPuff.
I feel a lot better today. The weekend seems like a slice of my life from a world tucked away quietly in a predominantly-active part of my mind. It's a Pandora's Box that i will open sometime, but not in the near future. So i miss it. So what? Bloody hell, there isn't much i can do about it except wish someone dead, which won't do much good anyway because then i would die of guilt. Wallowing yes, and that can become a very comfortable state of being too, but what the heck, i want to have fun! I want to live life and take this as the 'Those were the best days of my life' and then continue flirting and shopping and bonding and dancing. Dancing, yeah! I can't begin to tell you about the relief i felt when i got a call from K about classes starting yesterday. I had something to do! And what better than dance! My mind would stay occupied now! (Every Monday and Wednesday evening at least.)
Then there's work. Of course there's work. It's stressing me out, there are some choices i need to make on that front too, but they can wait. Meanwhile, i'm cracking up, laughing, having a good time, not thinking about what has happened. P was right, pain gets easier to handle if you don't think too much about it. (That's one of the things i learnt from you P. Huggg.) Maybe the fact that this is not something i'll get over - this is something that will stay eternally fresh in my mind like fragrant bread straight out of the oven - has also made it easier for me to not stop and mope about.
Thanks B, for pointing out on chat fifteen minutes ago that i was going fully melodramatic. WTF, these things happen. I loved this thing happening to me. Maybe this same thing will happen to me again (hopefully with the same person). And that's what i look forward to. Life is good. Yay!
I feel a lot better today. The weekend seems like a slice of my life from a world tucked away quietly in a predominantly-active part of my mind. It's a Pandora's Box that i will open sometime, but not in the near future. So i miss it. So what? Bloody hell, there isn't much i can do about it except wish someone dead, which won't do much good anyway because then i would die of guilt. Wallowing yes, and that can become a very comfortable state of being too, but what the heck, i want to have fun! I want to live life and take this as the 'Those were the best days of my life' and then continue flirting and shopping and bonding and dancing. Dancing, yeah! I can't begin to tell you about the relief i felt when i got a call from K about classes starting yesterday. I had something to do! And what better than dance! My mind would stay occupied now! (Every Monday and Wednesday evening at least.)
Then there's work. Of course there's work. It's stressing me out, there are some choices i need to make on that front too, but they can wait. Meanwhile, i'm cracking up, laughing, having a good time, not thinking about what has happened. P was right, pain gets easier to handle if you don't think too much about it. (That's one of the things i learnt from you P. Huggg.) Maybe the fact that this is not something i'll get over - this is something that will stay eternally fresh in my mind like fragrant bread straight out of the oven - has also made it easier for me to not stop and mope about.
Thanks B, for pointing out on chat fifteen minutes ago that i was going fully melodramatic. WTF, these things happen. I loved this thing happening to me. Maybe this same thing will happen to me again (hopefully with the same person). And that's what i look forward to. Life is good. Yay!
Dear God,
Thank you. For giving me three memorable, adventurous and wild years. For not forsaking me during all the kaandis i had been upto in those years. For always being there. Thank you for him. For all the growing up and glimpses of womanhood i experienced with him. For seeing me through my obsessions and my heartbreak. For watching over me as i weep, because you know it's the first little step to getting better. For memories. Wonderful, wonderful memories. For giving me the strength to heal, and making it easier by bringing several distractions my way. For keying my dance instructor to start off dance classes again. For giving me friends who let me be, and parents who do much more than that. Thank you for giving me truckloads of empathy for everybody else, and merciless criticism for myself. For letting me be a gypsy and then, letting me find my way back home.
Dear God, thank you for everything.
Dear God, thank you for everything.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Soup.
How? How can i be fascinated by a person one minute and completely bored out of my wits with him the next?
How can i find the anonymity of the Web more interesting than the concreteness of meeting one face-to-face?
How can i be completely excited about having my first date - a blind one, that too - in 25 years, and then be so guilty and turned-off after it?
How can i claim that i'm over BE, when i only fall in love all over again with him when i meet him?
How can i crib that i want to find lasting love, a man for whom i'm the one rather than the second-best, and a marriage that will be fun, stimulating, invigorating and good for me, and still freak the hell out when men start taking interest in me, and curse them saying i love staying single?
How can i be so clear about what i want and still so confused about how i should find it?
Damn. I'm totally messed up in my head.
How can i find the anonymity of the Web more interesting than the concreteness of meeting one face-to-face?
How can i be completely excited about having my first date - a blind one, that too - in 25 years, and then be so guilty and turned-off after it?
How can i claim that i'm over BE, when i only fall in love all over again with him when i meet him?
How can i crib that i want to find lasting love, a man for whom i'm the one rather than the second-best, and a marriage that will be fun, stimulating, invigorating and good for me, and still freak the hell out when men start taking interest in me, and curse them saying i love staying single?
How can i be so clear about what i want and still so confused about how i should find it?
Damn. I'm totally messed up in my head.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Creating the perfect 'best friends forever' evening...
You need:
- To visit your best friend in Mumbai
- To shuffle priorities between best friend and a set of very close friends such that neither get pissed
- Best friend's husband to be out for an office party
- Excitement on downing a few with best friend for the first time
- A place like Toto's, for two reasons: it's jam-packed, it has men who are chivalrous (but not necessarily nice) and offer their bar stools to you
- 4 pints of beer, one Margarita, three Bloody Mary's, two Tequila shots, one Chilly Chicken, Tandoori Sausages and all the time in the world
- A cute bartender, whom you can compliment saying, "Aap bahuth chute hain" and get away with it
- Blast-from-the-past music
For the garnish:
- A dab of Kaajal
- A smear of glittery lipstick
- Foo-foos
Preparation time:
Approximately half an hour
Method:
Method? What method? There's no method to madness, is there? Mix the garnish and ingredients together. And voila! You have two very high and happy women letching at good-looking boys, giving each other high-fives, discussing mensexbreak-upscrushes, head-banging, writing stuff on coasters and preserving it for posterity. Hail hail!!
P.S: We still managed to find our way home in an auto at 1:30 in the morning.
- To visit your best friend in Mumbai
- To shuffle priorities between best friend and a set of very close friends such that neither get pissed
- Best friend's husband to be out for an office party
- Excitement on downing a few with best friend for the first time
- A place like Toto's, for two reasons: it's jam-packed, it has men who are chivalrous (but not necessarily nice) and offer their bar stools to you
- 4 pints of beer, one Margarita, three Bloody Mary's, two Tequila shots, one Chilly Chicken, Tandoori Sausages and all the time in the world
- A cute bartender, whom you can compliment saying, "Aap bahuth chute hain" and get away with it
- Blast-from-the-past music
For the garnish:
- A dab of Kaajal
- A smear of glittery lipstick
- Foo-foos
Preparation time:
Approximately half an hour
Method:
Method? What method? There's no method to madness, is there? Mix the garnish and ingredients together. And voila! You have two very high and happy women letching at good-looking boys, giving each other high-fives, discussing mensexbreak-upscrushes, head-banging, writing stuff on coasters and preserving it for posterity. Hail hail!!
P.S: We still managed to find our way home in an auto at 1:30 in the morning.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
My favouritest roads...
100 Feet Road.
When there isn't mad traffic from flyover to finish, i'd love to stroll down it. The trees lining the footpath, the brand retail stores all lighted up and displaying signs of 'Sale', their amazing window displays and innovative entranceways...Sigh. It's so colourful, alive, vibrant. I love it.
The road opposite the entrance to DD Broadcast Center.
Superb for early morning and long, lonely walks. Tree-lined, little houses with slanting tile-roofs, no traffic. Reminiscent of ye olde Bangalore. A slice of heaven.
So far, these are it. There are some others that i can't think of right now. But when i do, i'm definitely going to mention them here.
When there isn't mad traffic from flyover to finish, i'd love to stroll down it. The trees lining the footpath, the brand retail stores all lighted up and displaying signs of 'Sale', their amazing window displays and innovative entranceways...Sigh. It's so colourful, alive, vibrant. I love it.
The road opposite the entrance to DD Broadcast Center.
Superb for early morning and long, lonely walks. Tree-lined, little houses with slanting tile-roofs, no traffic. Reminiscent of ye olde Bangalore. A slice of heaven.
So far, these are it. There are some others that i can't think of right now. But when i do, i'm definitely going to mention them here.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Oh well, whatever.
Regardless of how haphazard, nutcase-ish and volatile the rest of my day is, i always start it the same way. The creased forehead, yes; but apart from that i first flit through a set of blogs i check regularly, almost like clock-work. Then i follow links to other blogs from there, and when names aren't mentioned, i try to guess who they are (that's provided i know the people).
Always, always, there are some blogs that make me want to live the life these bloggers are living. Today, it was a sudden urge to change this blog's template because i saw a really nice one and told myself, "I also want!"
I'm not going to do it, though. Warped as it may sound, right now i'm battling with myself on a lot of things, and giving in to the temptation of changing templates is more than just that - it's letting my weaknesses get the better of me. It's a sign of being petulant, immature, dissatisfied with what i have - some things that i'm trying desperately to get rid of. This time, to make ME happy.
As for wishing for the lives of others, i've stopped that. I'm sometimes envious, sometimes dreamy about who they are, that independence they possess, their relationships with family and lovers and husbands and friends. That's where it stops, with the envy and dreaminess. I no longer wish for their lives to be mine, because then i would have to forfeit a lot of memories i've gathered over the years.
I'd have to give up GP, which i've done already but i still have 'our' memories together. I'd have to give up the in-and-out flight, the crazy rides to Narayana Hridayalaya and Nandi Hills, the days, the nights; i'd have to give up those in-and-out-of-love experiences of the past that have taught me so much; i'd have to forego a sensitive, emotional, crazy, forever-young mother and a practical, oh-i'm-growing-old-and-feeling-lonely father; i'd have to erase all the incidents in my life that have made me, me - strong (some more strength could do), spontaneous, still hoping that i will find lasting love; i'd have to give up advertising, working with wonderful people (and some not so wonderful), the allure of One Shows and Cannes; i'd have to give up my friends who have, at various points in our lives, accepted me back after periods of estrangement, who have always been what friends should be - completely understanding about why i have to do some things and why i don't want to do some others, letting me live my life, being on-call 24X7.
No. These are things that have a stronger hold on me than those momentary pangs of "I wish". These are things that will last. If not in flesh and blood, then in my head till i grow senile. These are things that matter to me. And i won't give them up. For anything. Not even for the exotic lives and 180+ intelligence and the 'attractive' quirks and exclusive circle of people i see portrayed every morning as i check these blogs out.
Always, always, there are some blogs that make me want to live the life these bloggers are living. Today, it was a sudden urge to change this blog's template because i saw a really nice one and told myself, "I also want!"
I'm not going to do it, though. Warped as it may sound, right now i'm battling with myself on a lot of things, and giving in to the temptation of changing templates is more than just that - it's letting my weaknesses get the better of me. It's a sign of being petulant, immature, dissatisfied with what i have - some things that i'm trying desperately to get rid of. This time, to make ME happy.
As for wishing for the lives of others, i've stopped that. I'm sometimes envious, sometimes dreamy about who they are, that independence they possess, their relationships with family and lovers and husbands and friends. That's where it stops, with the envy and dreaminess. I no longer wish for their lives to be mine, because then i would have to forfeit a lot of memories i've gathered over the years.
I'd have to give up GP, which i've done already but i still have 'our' memories together. I'd have to give up the in-and-out flight, the crazy rides to Narayana Hridayalaya and Nandi Hills, the days, the nights; i'd have to give up those in-and-out-of-love experiences of the past that have taught me so much; i'd have to forego a sensitive, emotional, crazy, forever-young mother and a practical, oh-i'm-growing-old-and-feeling-lonely father; i'd have to erase all the incidents in my life that have made me, me - strong (some more strength could do), spontaneous, still hoping that i will find lasting love; i'd have to give up advertising, working with wonderful people (and some not so wonderful), the allure of One Shows and Cannes; i'd have to give up my friends who have, at various points in our lives, accepted me back after periods of estrangement, who have always been what friends should be - completely understanding about why i have to do some things and why i don't want to do some others, letting me live my life, being on-call 24X7.
No. These are things that have a stronger hold on me than those momentary pangs of "I wish". These are things that will last. If not in flesh and blood, then in my head till i grow senile. These are things that matter to me. And i won't give them up. For anything. Not even for the exotic lives and 180+ intelligence and the 'attractive' quirks and exclusive circle of people i see portrayed every morning as i check these blogs out.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Okay, i have it figured.
I know what kind of man i want: The kind who knows anything and everything about Income tax, saving tax, investment options and anything that even remotely falls under the category (excluding discussions on my shopping expenses).
I'm getting screwed over tax right now, not so much because i'm juggling funds but because i'm so clueless about everything to do with it. The only thing i do know is how the words 'Income' and 'Tax' are spelled.
So there you are, bachelor CAs and Admin people of the world... i'm ready for the swayamvara. Just as long as you're okay with being quizzed on your knowledge of taxations and stuff while the 'ladki dekhna' is happening.
I'm getting screwed over tax right now, not so much because i'm juggling funds but because i'm so clueless about everything to do with it. The only thing i do know is how the words 'Income' and 'Tax' are spelled.
So there you are, bachelor CAs and Admin people of the world... i'm ready for the swayamvara. Just as long as you're okay with being quizzed on your knowledge of taxations and stuff while the 'ladki dekhna' is happening.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Question:
Tell me, do all those men who in their younger days hunger for neighbour's nubile daughters, friends' middle-school kids, their own teenage nieces and sundry other young ones, grow up to be men who abuse their own daughters?
(And please, it's just a question. No need to work it backwards and draw conclusions about my own childhood. I haven't been through such a traumatising experience ever.)
(And please, it's just a question. No need to work it backwards and draw conclusions about my own childhood. I haven't been through such a traumatising experience ever.)
Thursday, January 24, 2008
I can do this, i can do this, i can d... *BUMP!*
I drove today! From home to office! For the first time! It was fabulous! I'm super excited and completely charged up!
I miscalculated and skimmed the surface of an auto bumper in front of the KF office though... But that's okay! I survived all through the rest of the journey! And like, manouvered the car from behind a broken-down bus and didn't slide down on the sloping Queens Road! I mean, how fabulous is that??? For a scaredy-cat like me???
Phew. All that excitement's making me tired now. Love you Red. I'm proud of that first little paint-removing scratch from me. I hope you are too.
I miscalculated and skimmed the surface of an auto bumper in front of the KF office though... But that's okay! I survived all through the rest of the journey! And like, manouvered the car from behind a broken-down bus and didn't slide down on the sloping Queens Road! I mean, how fabulous is that??? For a scaredy-cat like me???
Phew. All that excitement's making me tired now. Love you Red. I'm proud of that first little paint-removing scratch from me. I hope you are too.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
25 years none the wiser - a picture post.
L to R:
20.01.08 - "'25 years none the wiser' - A one-woman act (after she gets high). At Kosmo, Cunningham Road, 8 p.m onwards."
The Wait - doing crackpot photography to kill time.
9:00 p.m - "Okay, i'm tired of scribbling. Where the hell are these guys?!?"
Sorry - They come finally, and i'm relieved. People love me, after all.
L to R:
Conspiracy - 12:30 a.m, at G & S's place.
L to R:
Conspiracy - 12:30 a.m, at G & S's place.
Surprise! - And so i cut my 25th budday cake amidst much laughter and sloshedness.
L to R:
21.01.08 - Ayurvedagram, the venue of my first massage in 25 years.
Amphibian boat - This is what peace looks like.
Expectant - Post-warnings from A that i should let the masseurs do whatever they want with my limpid body, i sit waiting for my one hour of bliss.
Unwinding - Spending time with myself was a good idea. I dug into the food, with the rustling coconut trees and a sunny afternoon for company.
L to R:
Happy Budday again! - Got back from Ayurvedagram, slept for a couple of hours and woke up bleary-eyed to cut another cake. This time, with family.
Dead meat - Dinner with parents, and then back home.
Mmmm. Happy Birthday NT.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Revelations.
Role models don't always stay role models. One day, they must forfeit the pedestal because you don't see them as magical any more.
People make excuses for things they don't WANT to do. They agree reluctantly when they're party to compromise.
Marriages are acts. Of convenience.
People who don't deserve good things are the ones who end up getting them.
Just when you think you've seen it all, you're shaken out of your passivity and shown something even more devastating.
Whatever it is, it isn't worth the pain.
When you think nothing can give you hope, there's always faith.
I don't care if God is a man or a woman.
Those who live and die by morals, are those who have never acquired any form of wealth. (P.S: Society was probably built by this species.)
People make excuses for things they don't WANT to do. They agree reluctantly when they're party to compromise.
Marriages are acts. Of convenience.
People who don't deserve good things are the ones who end up getting them.
Just when you think you've seen it all, you're shaken out of your passivity and shown something even more devastating.
Whatever it is, it isn't worth the pain.
When you think nothing can give you hope, there's always faith.
I don't care if God is a man or a woman.
Those who live and die by morals, are those who have never acquired any form of wealth. (P.S: Society was probably built by this species.)
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
My Silver Jubilee Wish List.
I turn 25 in... 5 days. That's plenty years away from being young and five years away from being 30. Somehow, that makes me feel good. 'Grown up', maybe.
My wish list hasn't changed drastically, only the prioritising. So, i wish for:
1. Inner happiness. For now and forever.
2. Stronger will power.
3. A month (or more) away from humanity.
4. Peace of mind.
5. A man who isn't emotionally spineless.
6. Learning to play the drums or a violin.
7. A penthouse. The kinds you live in, not read.
8. Money to do all i wish, and to be able to do things for people i love.
9. The 13-series books of Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events.
It's a mix of things i need and things i want. There is, perhaps, a subtle difference between the two words, but it's present nevertheless.
So here's looking forward to D-Day. Or should i say, B-Day?
My wish list hasn't changed drastically, only the prioritising. So, i wish for:
1. Inner happiness. For now and forever.
2. Stronger will power.
3. A month (or more) away from humanity.
4. Peace of mind.
5. A man who isn't emotionally spineless.
6. Learning to play the drums or a violin.
7. A penthouse. The kinds you live in, not read.
8. Money to do all i wish, and to be able to do things for people i love.
9. The 13-series books of Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events.
It's a mix of things i need and things i want. There is, perhaps, a subtle difference between the two words, but it's present nevertheless.
So here's looking forward to D-Day. Or should i say, B-Day?
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
*Choke* *Cough Cough* *Sputter*
Can't breathe... too tight... need fresh air...
Decided to wear... a Chanderi cotton saree... this morning... *Puff Puff* *Wheeze*... thought i could... fit into... the...blouse...
Didn't realise i'd put on a few.... extra kilos... *Phew* since then... managed to fit... into it though... *Half-breaths*...
The Victorian Era... *Tug*... must have been hell for the... *Pheeeeew* women trying to fit into those godd... darn it... goddarn corsets, their bust... all crushed into... *Yelp!* a single blob of flesh...
Help... i think i... i need CPR... somebody... anybody... can't b...b...breathe...
(*POPPP!*)
Oh oh.
I think my expanding diaphragm just lost me a blouse button.
Decided to wear... a Chanderi cotton saree... this morning... *Puff Puff* *Wheeze*... thought i could... fit into... the...blouse...
Didn't realise i'd put on a few.... extra kilos... *Phew* since then... managed to fit... into it though... *Half-breaths*...
The Victorian Era... *Tug*... must have been hell for the... *Pheeeeew* women trying to fit into those godd... darn it... goddarn corsets, their bust... all crushed into... *Yelp!* a single blob of flesh...
Help... i think i... i need CPR... somebody... anybody... can't b...b...breathe...
(*POPPP!*)
Oh oh.
I think my expanding diaphragm just lost me a blouse button.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Before-After.
A day before we turned three we died, you and i. It was an unnatural phenomenon, but one that was in the making for a while. Words were your problem, patterns mine.
Can we go back to being friends, you said, the way we were before. We did better than that. We became strangers.
It's been awfully cold this past week. Yesterday, as the soft blankets passed on their body's warmth to mine, i realised the cold wasn't outside.
It was within.
Can we go back to being friends, you said, the way we were before. We did better than that. We became strangers.
It's been awfully cold this past week. Yesterday, as the soft blankets passed on their body's warmth to mine, i realised the cold wasn't outside.
It was within.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Happy happy!
New Year's eve is a little overrated. And it took me 24 years, 11 months and 12 days to figure this out.
December 31, 2007. My first proper New Year out of home. (Not withstanding the night i spent at PK's some six years back, gorging on pizzas and playing the role of couch potatoes to perfection.)
Obviously, i had to make it big. And memorable. So i bought my first dress. Evening wear, cocktail party kind of dress.
G, S and i went to Brand Factory on the 30th in the hope of finding something for myself, and shopping for S's new wardrobe. (Miracle of miracles, for once i knew exactly what i wanted.)
That place sure does something for one's wallet, what with superb offers and oh-so-irresistible discounts. While G and i floundered all over the place finding everything but dresses, S spotted some and i headed to the trial room to see what they would do to boost my self-esteem.
They were AND dresses; stylish, chic and elegant. And the right length too. But not the right size. Some fit me too tight in the bust and some had to be peeled off me with G's help. So we decided to head to the AND retail store after Brand Factory. Unfortunately for us, by the time we were through tripping on the discounts and offers, it was quite late and i had a rendezvous with mom to go to Safina Plaza. The dress would have to wait.
December 31st dawned bright and quite early. But without an answer to where AND Store was located. That day, G and i were women with a mission. With warpaint on (read make-up), dressed to roam and armed with plenty moolah, we started off with western wear stores closest to home. The first store we went to was... closed. Not a good start at all.
Chemistry, Wills Lifestyle, KFC, Jealous 21, Blush - we tried them all. (Uh, well, KFC was for food to get my deflated ego up and running again.) I didn't find any clothes that fit me well. WL was shit-expensive. Chemistry had a nice dress, but the neckline started where my belly button ended.
Very, very depressed i was. That made G doubly patient with me, and generous - she suggested we go to Commercial Street; i was likely to find something nice there.
So it was that we took an auto and were on our way to Commercial Street, when we passed Lido Mall and decided, on impulse, to get off there.
Our first stop was Guess, where i tried on a couple of black satin tops. What i liked wasn't available in my size, what i didn't like was. I tried on one that made my bustline overflow (like it doesn't already), and walked up to G doing a Voulez Vous number. G was flabbergasted, and just about wishing to God that she was blind. Or anywhere but there.
Next we went to Next - another pesudo place with nothing stylish in my size. Misery, misery, misery. 109 degree F. Found some very pretty dresses that fit me (!), but i wasn't too keen on any because they were not something i was looking for. We were three hours down into the shopping spree already. And still empty-handed. I tried getting in touch with everybody i could to find out where the AND store could possibly be so i could just go there and pick up stuff, but no such luck. G and i took the elevator to head to Pantaloons - a brand i completely adore because they have good stuff in my size.
As the elevator drew close to our destination, the other stores were revealed like a curtain lifting off the screen of a movie theatre. I saw an 'A' emerge from behind the railing, then an 'N', followed by a 'D'. I was stunned. AND. An AND store. The only AND store in Bangalore. And i happened to stumble upon it.
Thank God for passing UKG classes where they teach you how to spell stuff.
If anybody can hop (like a kangaroo on ecstacy) on an elevator without getting a foot pulled into a disappearing stair, it's me. I have never felt such happiness in a really, really long time. Genuine happiness.
I zoomed into the AND store, and tried on every Size 16 they had available. Short-listed two: a black number, with a boat neck and sequin embroidery in white, and a zig zag just-below-the-knee number with a cream shrug. Hmm, tough. The zig zag one it would be.
That night, my excitement was only heightened by the clothes i was wearing. And i looked, if i may say so myself, positively yummy.
What a great way to begin a new year!
December 31, 2007. My first proper New Year out of home. (Not withstanding the night i spent at PK's some six years back, gorging on pizzas and playing the role of couch potatoes to perfection.)
Obviously, i had to make it big. And memorable. So i bought my first dress. Evening wear, cocktail party kind of dress.
G, S and i went to Brand Factory on the 30th in the hope of finding something for myself, and shopping for S's new wardrobe. (Miracle of miracles, for once i knew exactly what i wanted.)
That place sure does something for one's wallet, what with superb offers and oh-so-irresistible discounts. While G and i floundered all over the place finding everything but dresses, S spotted some and i headed to the trial room to see what they would do to boost my self-esteem.
They were AND dresses; stylish, chic and elegant. And the right length too. But not the right size. Some fit me too tight in the bust and some had to be peeled off me with G's help. So we decided to head to the AND retail store after Brand Factory. Unfortunately for us, by the time we were through tripping on the discounts and offers, it was quite late and i had a rendezvous with mom to go to Safina Plaza. The dress would have to wait.
December 31st dawned bright and quite early. But without an answer to where AND Store was located. That day, G and i were women with a mission. With warpaint on (read make-up), dressed to roam and armed with plenty moolah, we started off with western wear stores closest to home. The first store we went to was... closed. Not a good start at all.
Chemistry, Wills Lifestyle, KFC, Jealous 21, Blush - we tried them all. (Uh, well, KFC was for food to get my deflated ego up and running again.) I didn't find any clothes that fit me well. WL was shit-expensive. Chemistry had a nice dress, but the neckline started where my belly button ended.
Very, very depressed i was. That made G doubly patient with me, and generous - she suggested we go to Commercial Street; i was likely to find something nice there.
So it was that we took an auto and were on our way to Commercial Street, when we passed Lido Mall and decided, on impulse, to get off there.
Our first stop was Guess, where i tried on a couple of black satin tops. What i liked wasn't available in my size, what i didn't like was. I tried on one that made my bustline overflow (like it doesn't already), and walked up to G doing a Voulez Vous number. G was flabbergasted, and just about wishing to God that she was blind. Or anywhere but there.
Next we went to Next - another pesudo place with nothing stylish in my size. Misery, misery, misery. 109 degree F. Found some very pretty dresses that fit me (!), but i wasn't too keen on any because they were not something i was looking for. We were three hours down into the shopping spree already. And still empty-handed. I tried getting in touch with everybody i could to find out where the AND store could possibly be so i could just go there and pick up stuff, but no such luck. G and i took the elevator to head to Pantaloons - a brand i completely adore because they have good stuff in my size.
As the elevator drew close to our destination, the other stores were revealed like a curtain lifting off the screen of a movie theatre. I saw an 'A' emerge from behind the railing, then an 'N', followed by a 'D'. I was stunned. AND. An AND store. The only AND store in Bangalore. And i happened to stumble upon it.
Thank God for passing UKG classes where they teach you how to spell stuff.
If anybody can hop (like a kangaroo on ecstacy) on an elevator without getting a foot pulled into a disappearing stair, it's me. I have never felt such happiness in a really, really long time. Genuine happiness.
I zoomed into the AND store, and tried on every Size 16 they had available. Short-listed two: a black number, with a boat neck and sequin embroidery in white, and a zig zag just-below-the-knee number with a cream shrug. Hmm, tough. The zig zag one it would be.
That night, my excitement was only heightened by the clothes i was wearing. And i looked, if i may say so myself, positively yummy.
What a great way to begin a new year!
Friday, December 28, 2007
Unlucky in love.
So it is with plenty of fear and stereotyped, cliched misgivings that i count the days to my 25th birthday. Obviously, i begin to worry (putting it mildly) about not having a steady relationship. But it's not just that. There are thoughts that keep flitting in and out of my head, leaving me all confused at the end of the day. And with plenty of conclusions. Here are some:
- Men i've had a relationship with so far, have all been spineless. Except for one. (That's still not a good ratio, considering the total number of men i have 'seen' is 3.)
- They've either been two-timing, divorced or just unavailable. Or disinterested.
- There was a point when i cribbed about these warped relationship statuses, but now i'm comfortable because settling down is a scary concept to me. Maybe because i'm used to compromise.
- It takes several wrong men to get that one right guy. (I'm still number 1312343748 in the waiting list though.)
- I'm tired of not being pampered in a relationship.
- I'm tired of being an ogress in my last one.
- I'm tired of being happy with what i get, no matter how little it is.
- I'm just so...tired.
- I don't like being informed about being set up with someone, and then being set up. When that happens, i scoot like a hamster with its genitals on fire.
- I don't like being the one who gives and gives and gives.
- I think i've wished so much and so hard to stay single, that God finally agreed to give me my wish. Only, i don't want it to be true any more. Sigh. The irony.
- I have to let go. And i can't.
- As a child, i never dreamt of my Prince Charming. Maybe that's the problem, i grew up too soon.
- Gymming and dance class keeps my mind off all this crap.
- This world is so, so, so short of decent men.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
I'm so bored,...
My mouth's constantly open because i'm yawning.
I'm sticking my nose close to the CPU's fan so dirt can get in my nose and i can spend time getting it out.
I have finished two bottles of water from morning so i can spend time in the loo.
"Hmm" is the only response to anything anybody says to me.
I alternate between sitting up straight in my chair and skulking.
I could conduct a long conversation with a colleague i don't particularly like.
I've exhausted 80% of tests on Tickle.
I'm misspellling words while typing so i can hit Backspace and retype them again.
I feel like throwing up. Just for the heck of it.
Bleagh.
I could bore a hole 200 feet deep in the earth.
I'm sticking my nose close to the CPU's fan so dirt can get in my nose and i can spend time getting it out.
I have finished two bottles of water from morning so i can spend time in the loo.
"Hmm" is the only response to anything anybody says to me.
I alternate between sitting up straight in my chair and skulking.
I could conduct a long conversation with a colleague i don't particularly like.
I've exhausted 80% of tests on Tickle.
I'm misspellling words while typing so i can hit Backspace and retype them again.
I feel like throwing up. Just for the heck of it.
Bleagh.
I could bore a hole 200 feet deep in the earth.
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