Oh well, whatever.

Regardless of how haphazard, nutcase-ish and volatile the rest of my day is, i always start it the same way. The creased forehead, yes; but apart from that i first flit through a set of blogs i check regularly, almost like clock-work. Then i follow links to other blogs from there, and when names aren't mentioned, i try to guess who they are (that's provided i know the people).

Always, always, there are some blogs that make me want to live the life these bloggers are living. Today, it was a sudden urge to change this blog's template because i saw a really nice one and told myself, "I also want!"

I'm not going to do it, though. Warped as it may sound, right now i'm battling with myself on a lot of things, and giving in to the temptation of changing templates is more than just that - it's letting my weaknesses get the better of me. It's a sign of being petulant, immature, dissatisfied with what i have - some things that i'm trying desperately to get rid of. This time, to make ME happy.

As for wishing for the lives of others, i've stopped that. I'm sometimes envious, sometimes dreamy about who they are, that independence they possess, their relationships with family and lovers and husbands and friends. That's where it stops, with the envy and dreaminess. I no longer wish for their lives to be mine, because then i would have to forfeit a lot of memories i've gathered over the years.

I'd have to give up GP, which i've done already but i still have 'our' memories together. I'd have to give up the in-and-out flight, the crazy rides to Narayana Hridayalaya and Nandi Hills, the days, the nights; i'd have to give up those in-and-out-of-love experiences of the past that have taught me so much; i'd have to forego a sensitive, emotional, crazy, forever-young mother and a practical, oh-i'm-growing-old-and-feeling-lonely father; i'd have to erase all the incidents in my life that have made me, me - strong (some more strength could do), spontaneous, still hoping that i will find lasting love; i'd have to give up advertising, working with wonderful people (and some not so wonderful), the allure of One Shows and Cannes; i'd have to give up my friends who have, at various points in our lives, accepted me back after periods of estrangement, who have always been what friends should be - completely understanding about why i have to do some things and why i don't want to do some others, letting me live my life, being on-call 24X7.

No. These are things that have a stronger hold on me than those momentary pangs of "I wish". These are things that will last. If not in flesh and blood, then in my head till i grow senile. These are things that matter to me. And i won't give them up. For anything. Not even for the exotic lives and 180+ intelligence and the 'attractive' quirks and exclusive circle of people i see portrayed every morning as i check these blogs out.