Random-oxide.

I drove today. After close to three months. Without incident.

I made up a chorus last night: "I wanna see, wanna hear no more/ come back to me and i'll show you the door". I don't know where the silly thing came from, considering i was in the middle of watching the RC vs DD match.

Reminds me, i love the concept of the DLF IPL. I'm hooked onto it, and how. I can bet my left arm that the TRP ratings must have shot through the roof. Ya, so cricket zealots believe it's a violation of the sacred spirit of the game and blah blah blah but, think about it - globalisation's so effectively demonstrated (!). Sure, the players are auctioned and bought, but isn't that how cricket has been in the past handful of years? Personally, i think the IPL only sort of brings transparency and openness to the money-minting angle.

I was thinking about... it. Realised that after all that has happened, if things should work out between him and me tomorrow, i'm not sure i'd want it anymore. It's the whole once-bitten twice-shy syndrome. Besides, there's way too much bitterness now for the feeling to be dislodged easily. I have become a sad, withdrawn, bitter person.

There was also something else i was thinking about - how people fall in and out of marriages. And i realised, it isn't courage that makes a person take the 'right decision' and opt to stick in the marriage: essentially, we're all cowards and don't have the balls to break away from something that's been a part of our lives for however long, regardless of how traumatic it's been. What does take courage is to opt out of it, because then you're pep-talking yourself out of taking the easy way out. Some would call the latter a selfish act, an act that brutally disregards family (values, name, heritage etc.) and systems. I think it's a matter of perspective, and letting your needs drive your decisions.

I love my mother. I love the fact that she's so young, so caring, so in love with everybody around her that she'd so anything for them. (Which is not something i can say for myself.) I want to understand my father better - he's so quiet about what goes on inside of him that the rare emotional outbursts that happen seem like freak incidents that can only be ignored.

I want to live alone. I do. I want to find myself a comfortable 1 bedroom penthouse, do it up simply - more minimalistic than anything else - and fill it up with warmth and the smell of cooking. I want to listen to good music while i do this, and make weekends last forever and read books and sleep as much as i want and just not worry about where life is taking me.

I don't want to live very long, though. Perhaps 50 is good enough for me. That's 25 years left to do everything else i want to. Hmmmm...