Dealing with stress.

I've spoken about it before, and i speak about it again. The thing is, everytime i think of everything that's happening, about to happen or may/may not happen, i try and consider my options. What will i do if, what if, why not - they're questions i constantly keep subjecting my brain to. Because i want to be prepared. And i do that because i don't know how well i'll be able to function when those whats and whys get answered. I simply don't know how much i'll be able to take physically, psychologically, emotionally.

It reminds me of a psychology lecture way back in college - that we're all capable of dealing with stress in its many forms. Some of us better at it than most others. But the thing is, stress always extracts its pound of flesh. The first time we're subjected to it, we'll probably deal with it really well. But when it goes away, it takes a part of our ability to deal with it effectively. So that when the next stress comes our way, we'll have to try a little bit harder, put in a little bit more effort than before to deal with it. The cycle gets repeated till you can take the stress no more. And that's your breaking point, that's your nervous breakdown. Trust me, it's a stage nobody should get to.

I keep thinking about this. I'm nowhere near a nervous breakdown - at least i hope i'm not - but i think of how much has happened for me to be where i am emotionally and psychologically, and how much more there is to bear. And i wonder if i'll be able to take it when the events are set in motion and there's no turning back. No turning back or wanting to turn back and letting things be status quo. And i can't predict which way i'll go. I come up with a hundred worst-case scenarios - i'll nod with resignation and walk away; my legs will give way and i'll dissolve into tears as i collapse to the floor; i'll scream and curse and go all psycho; i'll say it's alright and let things continue the way they are because i can't function without this part of my life - and still, i can never tell which one it will be that i do, because i don't know how it's going to turn out. There's only this feeling that whatever it is, it's not going to be good.

I look back on the previous stress points. Each one precious, each more intense than the other, each eternally alive with a space dedicated to it somewhere in my memory. Will this be my penultimate or my last? I already feel a sense of helplessness, because i don't think i'll know how to deal with it. Leave the country, shut out people, run away? And what happens when i need to pick up the pieces of my life back and start over? How will i do it? So much of my energy, who i am, what i am and what i feel has gone into this that i wonder how long it will be before i'm whole again and able to give myself unconditionally. Is there even going to be an 'unconditional' at all? Can i feel so strongly again? Ever? Is it going to be what i want, or what i will have to accept as my lot?

The first time it happened, i was able to shut it out. Shut that part of my life out totally. No looking back. No revisiting that chapter. No keeping in touch with it, no knowledge about it, nothing. I was strong then, so strong. Now, i won't be able to do it. I've tried, and i can't shut it out; i keep looking back, revisiting this chapter. I'm weak. I don't have the energy to fight it, giving in seems so much easier and less painful. I don't want to feel pain. Because i'm weak now. My reserves are depleted and i can't replenish it any more. I guess that makes me a living example of what the stress demon is capable of. It takes a part of your power with it when it leaves.

You may think that you've got the better of it, but you will have never really won.