It felt good being good.

Ramadan came to an end yesterday and we celebrated Eid. This time, particularly, i revelled in every minute of it. Well, except for the times that i was suffering serious hunger pangs and was all set to bite people's heads off. But overall, i'm extremely happy with the way Ramadan went this time.

I fasted for 24 days, despite the couple of times that i woke up late and just about managed to eat something - the other six days were unavoidable; i prayed a lot, and it didn't just calm me down, but also gave me an outlet for my grief; i avoided putting and sending - and diligently too; i didn't cuss, which is a very, very, very big achievement; and in general, i felt like a much better person.

Last night, i went to The Biere Club because K was in town, and after having decided that i would prolong my "good"ness for just a little bit longer, i gave in to drinking a Chocotini. And it didn't feel all that good. Felt like i was doing something i didn't want to do. And all that smoke, Phew! We were sitting in the smoking section - which is usually the case - but last night was especially painful because people were blowing smoke in my face constantly and i didn't realise it for the longest time. It hit me only after i came home, got a super-painful headache and started coughing like i was going to throw up my lungs. So i really want to avoid that as much as possible, because i'd like to be extra careful about my health now.

I figured out a few things during this month of fasting:
1. I don't need OH in my life, i can do without it. Except for maybe a couple of times when i want to be as light-headed as everybody else and let loose. But otherwise, i don't feel the need for drinking.
2. I want to continue praying. Even if i can't do it with as much diligence as i did this last month, i'd like to do it as often as i can. It was the only source and moment of peace i have had since this whole SM Thing has begun.
3. I want to focus on getting back to the person i was - happy, peaceful, and above all, unaffected by shit around me.
4. There's no point in my stressing - everything will happen as it should happen. It's like Paddy Clarke says: "Sometimes, when nothing happened it was really getting ready to happen."
5. I want to make the most of everything i have - the time, the talent and the life that i possess.

I did have most of these things in place till January. The bloody slip-up is what led to all the heartache again. But i need to get over it. I must.

Here's to wishing me luck.