The psychology of ordeals.

In college, our lecturers shared a theory on stress and resistance with us. Apparently for every episode we have that affects our lives deeply, our levels of tolerance to stress get lower. So you're fine when the first incident occurs - your ability to get over it will most likely surprise you more than anybody else. When the next big incident happens though, your ability to deal with it isn't as 'strong' as the first time. It's like every incident eats away, like termites, at your resistance to stress. The result is that finally, there will be one that will cause a nervous breakdown because you are completely devoid of the ability to fight it.

I was quite disbelieving then, not just because i trusted myself to handle anything that came my way, but also because i didn't think i would ever land myself in a situation that would cause me that much grief.

Hah.

Here i am five years later, thinking how i will recover from the latest mishap. Many things about it leave me stumped, at a loss for words. How did he manage to do it? Did he even realise that some of his actions were contradictory? Is it true, emotions are like a faucet that can be turned on and off for a person? Can two people get physical, and can one see it as 'sex' while the other sees it as 'making love'? Is it natural to feel like you've been a distraction/diversion of sorts for someone that can be let go when life begins to smile again? Is it possible to forget?

More importantly, is it possible to forgive?

Yes, it is. I'm getting there. Sure, there will be moments of bitterness and hurt and hatred, but they'll pass. And they'll leave only love behind. The kind that will never be realised, but will always wait for an opportunity to show itself. I'm waiting for the day i can feel affection for him again. It's there, but it's buried right now. Died an untimely death, you might say. On second thought, it wasn't untimely - ironically, my state of affairs (pun unintended) was triggered by my actions on that fatal evening two weeks ago.

As for the resistance bit, well... Hysteria came and went. The nervous breakdown won't come. I wont't let it.