Atonement.

My weekend was pretty balanced - i ventured out of home just as much as i stayed in. Friday night's adventures were followed by a lazy Saturday lounging at G's place watching 'Atonement'.

I was gifted this book of Ian McEwan's by G and S on my birthday, along with Orhan Pamuk's 'My Name is Red'. While i'm not the types to skip pages (except in, perhaps, an M&B), 'My Name is Red' made me do that; and Atonement, even more so. It just went on and on endlessly, so i skipped entire chapters - like one on Robbie's time in the war. But what i loved about the book was the story - an 11-year old Briony, her world of order and certainty disrupted by incidents between her sister and the gardender that catapult her growth, leaving the debris of love in its wake. Yes, it is incredible how Ian McEwan leads us with his words into her mind, helps us comprehend the awkwardness of growing up that lead her to her actions.

With me, he achieved something else too - he made me realise that had i been in her place, i would have done the same. I would have, in my quest to retain my order, childish impudence and innocence, done what she did. Would i be capable of destroying the just-blooming love shared between two people? Perhaps; i don't know for sure. What i am certain of is that i am quite capable of it. Would i seek atonement for my actions? Yes i would, because i couldn't bear to live with the guilt for the rest of my life. Unlike Briony though, i wouldn't seek it through words - something she describes as an act of kindness. I know what she's talking about, and i understand it but find myself unable to endorse it. I wouldn't take the easy way out and document the truth a little before my death for the world to know, because it still doesn't make a difference to the two people who really matter - in this case, Briony's sister and her lover. I would make amends much earlier in my life, gather up enough courage, get it over and done with.

You see, i believe that to experience the liberty that comes with guiltlessness, one has to give full voice to the guilt. And not with paper and pen.