In which i am woken up with a phone call asking for my photo to show to "potential" people.

Aaah, i'm bugged. "Do you have a photo to give to somebody?" is not what i want to start my day with. It's not what i want to start any day with. And yet, i did. No, i said, i don't have a photo and even if i do, i'm not giving it.

And she said, "Why? What happened now? I thought you wanted to get married?"

I do. I did. I don't know.

I can't remember whom i was discussing this with, but a few weeks ago, somebody asked me if this is how i had seen my life to be.

No. Far from it.

I had imagined that by 29, i would be a lush wife, happily married with a kid (maybe two, i don't know), a husband who would be totally in love with me and with whom i would be in love; i would have an easy job, preferably a freelance one that gave me the freedom to stay at home and do the things i love to do: cook, embroider, have people over, throw an occasional get-together, think of ways to fill my life with lots of interesting things to do and all that.

I still do a lot of things, but i have no idea where or when the plan changed. No idea why it's taken so long. (Actually, i do.) But i think my window of opportunity has closed, and i don't think i want to get married. There's palpable fear at the prospect. And here's why:

My friend's wedding - yep, the same one where the little git of a boy asked me why i wasn't married - had a closed group of people on the guest list. Mostly family, and a few friends. Maybe i was out of touch or maybe i haven't socialized in those circles for a while, but i had a glimpse of what i could be getting into - if i was going to get married - when an old lady commented on the clothes i was wearing, saying that the blouse was "too deep", and i was strutting around shamelessly showing my back. 7 inches is passable, and it wasn't like i was the only one wearing a blouse of the kind; the old lady's grand daughter was too. What made a big difference was that i had short hair and she didn't. So it just seemed like mine was a whole stretch of skin from my neck to my back.

And the short hair, oh my god the looks it elicited. Like i was too "forward", "modern", "loose" and what not.

It's disappointing actually, to think that this is the lot that i will be married into, should it happen. A lot who has double standards on almost everything, a different outlook for their own and a different one for strangers, who believe that no matter who you are or what you do behind closed doors, you need to show yourself as the perfect example of everything to the world.

I don't do two-face. I can't. I am what i am in my room, as i am in a public gathering. And i refuse to get married till i find somebody who's the same way.